i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
