i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
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