I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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