bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
