His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
