But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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