I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just threw up on my dentist
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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