he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
