New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
