She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
