At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
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