did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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