I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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