The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
