I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Randomize
