better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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