She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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