Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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