I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
