turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
