Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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