I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
