meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
