She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
