I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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