if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
