So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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