dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
