He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
