I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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