george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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