you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
