I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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