capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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