If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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