On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
