Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
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If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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