I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
