You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
