god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize