Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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