My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
