I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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