Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
