My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Can you bring me the toilet please
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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