my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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