Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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