If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
