She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
All I want is dick and wine.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
