Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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