There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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