I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
