You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
