WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
