Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
