hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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