I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
