Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
