Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
