don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
